Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
