I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
