if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize