I'd wear matching sweaters with you
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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