I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
