Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
