she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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