Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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