We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
