I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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