Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
