highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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