Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
