We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Two words: blizzard sex
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
