At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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