you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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