I just cut my nipple shaving
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
