If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize