Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
And then he peed in my hair
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