HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
there is puke in my bra ... again
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