So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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