omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
