my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
