I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
