made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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