A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
