I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
