I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
