I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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