I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
