I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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