cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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