I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
