I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
