if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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