thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
