Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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