Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
