Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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