I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This baby is an asshole
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
