my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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