??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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