I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
