I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
