Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize