so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
