The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
