I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
