Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
