if i died would you start the facebook group?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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