i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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