he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
