it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
