No stitches, just platelets and will power
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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