A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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