your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
