I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
