I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
