I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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