It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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